Ahhh, yes, 51 degrees this morning. It's my favorite time of year again...the splendor of Autumn. I am quite certain that the aromatherapy of Heaven will be Autumn mixed with the sweet-salty air of the sea. Once again, I'm out here snuggled under a blanket, hot tea in hand and I'm just listening to the sounds of nature and wondering about life. Do you ever wonder why crickets sing so much louder in the fall? Well...I do. If you haven't stopped long enough to listen, you really should. They are incredibly soothing. And, right now, I'm watching my stupid squirrels stealing pears from my tree. Yet, they were kind enough this year to leave me about 3 bushels of pears. So, it's pear butter and spiced-pear jammin' time.
All that aside, sometimes I sit here and think and pray and still really wonder...what is this thing called life all about? What is my purpose here? Have I made a difference in anybody's life? Because of where God has me right now, my circle of influence is quite large. But, do I really matter? Does Jesus shine through me? I have all these people in my life, yet still, I feel so lonely so much of the time.
I must be real; I've told you, I absolutely can't stand superficial. I think so many live in hiding. So, therefore I am one of those who is starving...longing for deep, honest relationships. We keep our distances in order to stay safe. Do any of you out there long for those deep, honest, guttural relationships? I certainly do. Yet, it is much easier to hide. And it is so easy to search for other stuff to fill that void. I feel so alone in this...like I'm some sort of alien. Maybe I am an alien, I don't know. I do know that I can't force those relationships to just happen. You would think and expect that those relationships would be easiest to find within the church.
This morning, my pastor spoke from John 4: 19-24. It was amazing...for the Word he presented was just an extension of what God was speaking to me about this morning. "True worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and in Truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks." I began more thinking and further questioning. Maybe I am theologically off a bit. But I have to wonder, could it be that we as the Body of Christ live in hiding...therefore the Holy Spirit cannot move? Does He move and work despite our dishonesty and lack of transparency? We present ourselves as having it all together. We hide because we fear judgement and ultimate rejection. We certainly shouldn't fear rejection if God's people truly understand unconditional love. Honestly, there is nothing that you could tell me that would cause me to reject you or stop loving you...absolutely nothing. How can we honestly worship together if we can't be truthful? Wouldn't we be much less lonely if we could just be real ...knowing that others really care and love us without question?
I need to go back to the sea...where I can pour out my honest heart and find peace once again. But, I know that I have to live in reality. One morning this week, I came out in the dark to find barely sunrise at my left and a beautiful, clear, full moon on my right. It was an absolutely incredible sight. I realized I'm just a tiny blip on this planet. I am so thankful that the God who formed it all and made every cell of mine, understands where I am. And, it's okay. He welcomes my honesty and certainly understands what it is like to feel alone. He longs for those deep relationships too.
As Henry David Thoreau said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
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